I had a pretty challenging day. I woke up kinda feeling not all that well. Maybe it is the colder weather. Maybe it is the nearing deadlines I have to meet. Maybe it’s just that kind of day.
But I take this moment now to reflect on how it really went out there. How did it go without my busy self going from one place to another and actually taking a moment to breathe?
It went okay. Not terrible or bad.
I am guilty of really pushing myself to get a lot of things done and reaching expectations that are not realistic. I came in with a plan that had too many snags and not taking into account of my energy, my mindset and my heart.
There was a woman who kindly helped me today. I think she saw the urgency in my eyes and decided to lend a hand. I am so grateful. I know she also had her own day, but she made it a point to go outside of herself and reach out to me. I am thankful. And I want to learn from her.
So here is me reaching out to you in case you are having a hard time. I hope you are doing well today. I wish you happiness and strength with whatever challenge is in front of you. With every experience we have, good or bad, we become stronger.
You walked right past me.
I saw the comfortable sneakers,
The large practical bag for your things.
The coat you wore last year.
But your hair was different.
Dyed and cut.
I walked a little faster.
Caught up to you and saw your profile.
Only it wasn’t you at all.
Just a doppelganger in your shoes.
How quickly my heart rose
And then fell just as fast.
Shake me upside down
So coins of knowledge can fall.
Making it worth it;
Valued and polished as any
Pretty penny should.
Can’t gain anything
Without a loss of something.
I am all in;
Cash my tokens.
I want this to be
The Best Day Of My Life.
I just made banana bread; warm out of the oven. The sweetness of the banana smell fills up my little cold room here. And there’s nothing I want more than to see you again. Share a slice with me as we talk about nothing. You tell me about some obscure fact that you somehow learned and picked up. I look at you; never certain what you’re thinking but know that your presence matters to me. It always has. You used to catch me off guard. You’d tell me something really honest and deep that makes me wonder how long you’ve held it in until you decided to open up to me. Thank you. Thank you for letting me be someone you loved and you being that someone for me.
We drove a while until we saw on the GPS that our destination was around the corner. I was hungry. It was his idea to go further by the coast and climb mountains to get a better view before though. Loved the time with nature, but was also starved and depleted. Decorated like a home, this restaurant had succulents along the path of the entrance. You can tell it was a family restaurant, with the father who led us to a table. I could see the window and walls carrying little pieces of their history, aged by the frequent sunlight that shined through. A man sitting at the table diagonal from us had ordered something I’m unfamiliar with. He silently ate bit by bit as he looked up every so often. He seemed to quite liked it as his plate was completely clean before he left. I searched through the menu; sticky on some pages. And then I knew what I wanted. The son took our order. Moments after the food arrived, my stomach was full and my heart was happy. There’s something undeniably beautiful about the human connection that needs no introduction. Just a passionate cook, a hungry patron and a dish holding years of family tradition, a touch of love and plate full of deliciousness.
I know that a part of me will always be gone. Pieces that were once intact aren’t pieced the same anymore. And that’s okay. That’s life. With every experience we have, there’s always going to be pieces that get chipped, tweaked, broken and gone. But then somehow, we get put back together. The pieces get fit into other ways like a Tetris game that goes on forever. Yeah, they fall down and stack, but after a little bit of patience and thought, they get put into places that makes sense. That fits.
I’m sitting here on my couch with a minor headache. Staring at a computer screen all day can definitely do that. And not eating breakfast. I hear the powerful crying winds outside. Depending on one’s mood, it can sound pretty scary. But it doesn’t to me. It’s just nature doing it’s thing.
Sometimes the wind will blow through you; forcing you to one side. It’s a literal sign to just let go and go where it takes you. Or, you could go against it with all your might. There’s a chance you can’t get to the other side anyway and you’ll just be forced back to where you were. But maybe your strength can push through and you’re on the side you actually want to be on. Your choice. It always is.
Sadness was set in stone;
Fallen on a heavy November day.
Light rain was forecasted
All week long.
But a heavy storm rolled in;
With clouds and lightning.
We found shelter somewhere,
Among the woods.
Boarded up the doors
Until it was safe again.
Until the sun said so.
Until we said so.
The cold seeped into my toes,
Quickly, it devoured the warmth
In an instant, without hesitation.
To succumb to it was inevitable.
It made itself welcome
And settled in just fine.
The chill surged through me
I don’t have much time
Before it takes all of me.
When I become an ice sculpture
An embodiment of who I used to be
A sign of the past.
It’s been a long time since I posted (until a day or two ago, as you probably noticed). Compared to what I did a few months ago, which was post twice a day for a full month or two. I miss it here. There’s been a few things on my plate, as always, and this little space is never too far away from my thoughts. I’ve been wanting to change my website address and have been teasing with the idea for a while. It’s not a huge deal to many, I think, but for me, it’s going to take a bit of thought before I just jump to it (as I’ve kind of felt the urge to). I don’t know what the new address would be, so, if I ever do, I’m not sure if I’ll lose some of you in the process due to the reader or the navigation page being different.
I’m not sure if it’ll redirect to the new website or just not exist. For anyone who would like me to visit your page and leave a comment with my new link to this blog, let me know.
Aside from the blog housekeeping, I’ve been doing lots of literal housekeeping and cleaning a bit. It’s gotten me to think of so many things and come to a few interesting realizations. One, for example, is that it’s so obvious and silly how gray things are and yet, many can still define the black and white of it all and leave it at that. They sink heavily deep into their delusion of what they want rather what is. On the other end of things, there can be an overreaction to things that aren’t that big of a deal. I don’t know. I guess just a ramble of perspectives we all have. And here’s a visual I felt like creating (haha..) to present this idea.
The first image of him was actually a background one. One in which he stood as a stand in character or an extra on a television set. I didn’t think much about it. Like all the other strangers that have passed by before me, why would he be different?
We started to see each other more. Accidentally. In hallways. Through campus. We found out we had mutual friends. And like that. It was too easy.
The pieces started to come together so nicely. We talked. We took the same classes. They were big, so it made sense I had never seen him. Or maybe I did, but in the background. And then I couldn’t un-see him anymore. Never again.
We never defined ourselves. So we never really knew what we meant to each other. The kind of way one would describe with labels or titles. But I can describe how he made me feel. How it made me feel.
It was pure. It was sweet. It was new. It was exciting. So exciting. My heart was overwhelmed and happy. It felt full and refreshed; a different energy was pulsing through me and it felt so natural and good.
The emotions wash over me,
It overtakes my body, heart, spirit.
Control no longer exists,
Only my insides know what’s up.
Unseen for so long,
Hidden under a pile of excuses,
It found resurrection
From a bit of light.
Revived from the shadows,
After it was pushed aside
Months ago, a thousand minutes
Drift in and out.
Longing for something to hold onto.
I have the music so loud that I can’t even hear these words. These words that are being typed. Like a silent film being watched as time passes. Slowly, and ever continuous. There are so many ways in which our hearts sing the very songs we refuse to hear. The very words and beats we need. So I continue hiding the very heart I need. Muting the very sound I need to hear. How many hidden hearts do you see? Are they hidden after all?
you said something sacred the other day
something along the lines of freedom
happiness and dreams we’re chasing.
it’s a lot steps toward the ideal.
it keeps changing.
it’s a moving target.
but we see it.
no matter how far,
or what disguise it’s wearing,
it is so very clear.
we see you.
the universe has a way of not aligning
suppose this is why we keep fighting
for justice, equality, funding and freedom
loud words graffitied in ears to hear them.
who will listen when money is kin
understandings through exchanges, returns
and layaway bins?
the moment grew quiet,
tense, warm, heavy.
you looked into my eyes.
i looked into yours.
And you said it.
I said it.
We shared our souls
Together, as one.
My heart filled